Faith Bible Church, NY
April 30, 1995
Pastor Scott L. Harris
Dealing with Disappointment
Selected Scriptures
The Reality of Life
My message this morning arises out of the circumstance that Diane & I found ourselves in this week. For those of you who may be unaware, my family and I were supposed to have left last Wednesday for a family reunion in Mississippi. On Monday night we took Jonathan to the hospital and on Tuesday they removed his appendix. Diane and I are beginning to think that the best way to ensure that one or all of our children will get sick is to just plan to go some where.
Many people have asked us if we are disappointed about not being able to go. Yes. We had been planning this for about four months. My dad & I were going to take the boys fishing. David was going to have grandpa make pancakes for him in the camper. As I called each one to let them know that we would not be coming they expressed their disappointment. My relatives canceled one day of the reunion because it was specifically so they could spend some extra time with us. We were going to visit with friends in Alabama and their children had planned all sorts of special things to do with the boys – canceled.
Disappointed? Of course, but life is full of disappointments large and small. We set our hopes on things that do not come true. We dream about things that never happen. Promises are made that are not kept. We have expectations that are not met. We can become frustrated and discouraged.
Some things are small – it rains on our picnic Some things have more impact – we plan a vacation and end up in the hospital. Some things are serious – we plan to get married and the engagement is broken. Some things are devastating – we expect to live out our lives with our family and some nut in Oklahoma blows up the building they are in.
Disappointment is part of life – a minor annoyance some times, and other times a harsh reality. There are many reasons why can be disappointed. This morning I want us to look at some of the sources of disappointment and how to deal with them from the Biblical perspective.
Webster defines disappointment as: “someone who or something which disappoints | the state of distress resulting from being disappointed” (Don’t you love definitions that uses the same word to define itself!). Disappoint means, “to fail to come up to the expectations of.” Disappointment is the frustration or distress caused by unfulfilled expectations. Disappointment then is directly related to our expectations, so anything we can have an expectation of can potentially disappoint us whether it is a person, an object, a place or circumstances.
WHEN WE ARE DISAPPOINTED IN:
OURSELVES
Probably the place to start is ourselves. We can be disappointed in ourselves. Though we all tend to put the blame somewhere else, if we are honest about it we know that we are often the cause of our disappointment. The athlete that set his goal on winning the race but failed to do so. The student trying for the scholastic scholarship but earns a “B” rather than an “A” in class. The teacher that can’t seem to find a way to get his point across. The construction worker that has to redo the job because he read the blueprint wrong. The mother that burned the dinner while changing the baby. The husband that forgot that today was his wedding anniversary. The Christian that finds himself in the devil’s trap once again.
We have expectations of ourselves that we fail to meet. Some expectations are foolish to start with, and some simply prove to be beyond our capabilities to fulfill. Many others are proper and attainable and we simply fail. We need to deal with each of these kinds of disappointment accordingly.
Foolish expectations need a healthy dose of reality. We need to set our sights on what is feasibly possible. Let’s face it, I am never going to be a fighter pilot, an astronaut or a brain surgeon – but any of those could be a possibility for my sons. The expectations I place on my self need to be within the realm of real possibility. God is not honored by absurd expectations we place on ourselves.
For expectations that prove to be beyond our ability we need to re-evaluate them in light of three questions – Are they proper? Are they selfish in nature? Could they still be achieved?
Improper and selfish expectations need to be change. Too often we set goals for ourselves that do not reflect much thought about God’s perspective on life. We live in an age when personal achievement is seen as more important than personal character. God is interested in character. He will take care of the achievement. That is why the scriptures tell us in several places that God resists the proud but gives grace to the humble and that he will exalt the humble at the proper time (1 Peter 5:5,6; James 4:10; Prov. 18:12; etc.). God’s desire is that we be faithful with what He has given us (1 Cor. 4:2; Matt. 25:21; etc.), and what has He given us? Everything! You can not separate somethings as being spiritual and others as not for everything we do is a reflection of our character.
Example. Do you think God is impressed by any achievement of man whether it be athletic ability, great wealth, fame, intellect, political or military power? Obviously not. Job had great wealth and it was all taken away in one day. The Greeks thought themselves wise but God said he purposely choose the “foolish things of this world to shame the wise” because “the foolishness of God is wiser than men” (1 Cor. 1:27,25). Sennacharib, king of Assyria, had the most powerful army of his time, but God told Isaiah that He would put a hook in Sennacharib’s nose, a bridle in his lips and turn him back from Jerusalem. That night the angel of the Lord destroyed 185,000 of his army causing Sennacharib to return home where he was killed in a conspiracy against him. God is not impressed by what man achieves, instead He is after the heart – the character of the man. King David achieved many things in expanding the kingdom of Israel, but God’s commendation of him is consistent – David walked after God.
That athlete who sets his goal only on winning short changes himself. Sure, he or she should try to win, but the expectation should be to do their best regardless of where they place at the finish – for that is a reflection of the heart. Too many politicians have set their goal on winning rather than on being – and there is a big difference. One can be a statesman and a leader, the other is in it for himself. Too many of us have set our sights on gaining what the world around us has rather than on developing a godly character. We expect to get what we think everyone else has – whatever is advertised or shown to be part of the lifestyle of those on TV shows. The disappointment we have because of that is improper and is based in selfishness.
Disappointment that arises from improper & selfish expectations needs to be dealt with by some repentance and resetting they expectations on what would of God’s priorities – your character.
If the goal is proper and unselfish yet still unfulfilled, you need to ask yourself if the expectation can be fulfilled. If it can not, then it’s time to change your goals. If it can, then you need to evaluate what needs to be done to achieve it. If you want to be a writer and keep getting rejection notices you may have to change your style or find out what a publisher is looking for and keep submitting material. Use the disappointment as motivation to change what needs to be and keep at it. That disappointment can make you better.
What about when disappointment comes because you have simply failed. You did not do what you know you should have done and are capable of doing. The beginning point of dealing with this disappointment is admitting your failure. Face up to your personal responsibility and go from there. If you failed because you did not do your best – admit it, and if others were affected by it, apologize to them as well. Ask for their forgiveness.
If you were given instructions for a job and failed to follow them, then don’t complain. Apologize and ask for an opportunity to re-do the job or correct the mistake. If you forgot your wedding anniversary or someone’s birthday – then ask for their forgiveness and set out to develop a way that you will not repeat the failure in the future. If you allowed too many things to disrupt you from achieving what needed to be done – then apologize, ask those who were affected to forgive you – and maybe even ask for their help in either getting through the current crises, getting more organized for the future, or both.
I have had to do a lot of all these things. I do and always will have more than I can possibly do. That is the nature of ministry. The result is that I often fail to achieve everything I expect of myself. I am constantly re-evaluating what I am doing and trying to make sure the priorities are done first. I often ask for help and apologize to those that are affected by my failures. Most of the time that is seeking God’s forgiveness because I – and you who are Christians – live in a very tense situation that can leave us very disappointed in ourselves.
God has called us – commanded us – to “be Holy as He is holy” (1 Peter 1:16 etc.) and yet we find ourselves innately sinful. God has promised us that no temptation will overtake us but such as is common to man, and that He is faithful and will not allow us to be tempted beyond what we are able, but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, that we may be able to endure it (1 Cor. 10:13). Yet, we find that we consistently yield ourselves to temptation and falling into sin.
We find that we cry out with the Apostle Paul in Romans 7 “for that which I am doing, I do not understand; for I am not practicing what I would like to do, but I am doing the very thing I hate… So now, no longer am I the one doing it, but sin which indwells me. For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh; for the wishing is present in me, but the doing of the good is not. for the good that I wish, I do not do; but I practice the very evil that I do not wish. But if I am doing the very thing I do not wish, I am no longer the one doing it, but sin which dwells in m. I find then the principle that evil is present in me, the one who wishes to do good. For I joyfully concur with the law of God in the inner man, but I see a different law in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind, and making me a prisoner of the law of sin which is in my members. Wretched man that I am! Who will set me free from the body of this death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, on the one hand I myself with my mind am serving the law of God, but on the other, with my flesh the law of sin.”
Even as Christians we have a constant battle with sin that leaves us in great tension. Called to holiness but living with sin in our lives. Most of modern psychology has been built on trying to help man get rid of his guilt through either denying it or blaming it on someone or something else. Tragically, some of that is creeping into the church too, but that is against the Scriptures. As Christians we are to face up to our personal responsibilities and that includes admitting our failures by confessing our sin to God – and to anyone else our sin may effect. The great thing about being a Christian in dealing with sin and the disappointment it brings is two-fold. First, as I confess my sins God is faithful and just to forgive me my sins and cleanse me from all unrighteousness (1 John 1:9). So I know that I stand clean before Him. Second, I know that my advocate, Jesus Christ, has been tempted in all points as I have, though He without sin, and that therefore He does sympathize with my human weakness and comforts me (Heb. 4:19).
OTHERS
We can also be disappointed in others. We have expectations of them and they fail us. People promise us things and then break their promise. How do we deal with that kind of disappointment?
The first question to ask ourselves is whether our expectation of them is proper. It is not hard to expect more from others than they can possibly do. We can even manipulate people into promising to do things that are beyond what they can do. All that we should ever expect of others is that they do their best. If that has been achieved, then we need to be thankful for whatever they have done and if there is more than needs to be accomplished, we simply makes some other arrangements.
This is one area I want to be very careful with for my children. I want them to understand that God & I are more interested in their character than in what they achieve. Failure to live up to the world’s standards of success is fine with me if they all become godly men. Achieving the world’s view of success will not be enough if it less than their best. I want them to be of godly character – trophies on the wall and the trappings of success by the world’s standards are optional.
The short course in dealing with the people that fail us is summed up in Jesus words recorded in Matthew 7::12, “However you want people to treat you, so treat them, for this is the Law and the Prophets.” We call that the “Golden Rule.” This holds true whether the person failed because their best was not enough or they did not work hard enough. How would you want to be treated if you were in their shoes? Treat them with the same thoughtfulness you would want.
The Christian is even called to a higher standard for we are to treat people in a manner that reflects God’s nature. We reflect His mercy and grace in that we offer forgiveness to those that fail us. In practical terms forgiveness is the out working of agape love described in 1 Cor. 13 – love does not take into account a wrong suffered. The Christian is not to hold a grudge or seek revenge. At the same time Christians are not spineless jelly-fish too timid to say anything for fear someone may not like it. God does not hesitate to tell the truth that man is sinful, and neither should we. God tells us the truth about ourselves so that we can change, and we should do the same. If someone fails us, we reflect God’s holiness and justice by speaking the truth in love. There is no room here for self-righteousness or a condemning attitude, but after careful self-examination with all humility we let them know of their failure, for we desire to see them mature.
CIRCUMSTANCES
Circumstances bring disappointment to our lives as well. It could be a simple as having rain on your picnic or as tragic as the earthquake in Los Angeles or Kobe or the bombing of the Federal Building in Oklahoma.
Disappointing circumstances forces us back to the reality of several things. First, man can not control everything that he would like to. Man is not autonomous. He has done all sorts of things to try to control & manipulate his environment, but he can not stop the storm, he can not cork a volcano, he can not stop the earth from shaking. Even in medicine where man has achieved many incredible successes – (If it were not for modern medical practices and pharmaceuticals I would have died from a ruptured appendicts 10.5 years ago, and many of you have similar stories) disease of all sorts still ravage mankind. The common cold is still very, very common!
Second, we live in a world degraded by sin. Many of the things that disappoint us so much are directly related to the ramifications of sin in the world. Sin has affected mankind resulting in the man’s horrible actions against one another. Some things are done on purpose such as this bombing in Oklahoma, and others because of selfish neglect such as the drunk driver that causes an accident.
Sin has also affected creation itself. Natural disasters and diseases are also the result of sin’s effect on the world around us. Romans 8:19,20 says, “For the anxious longing of the creation waits eagerly for the revealing of the sons of God. For the creation was subjected to futility, not of its own will, but because of Him who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself also will be set free from its slavery to corruption into the freedom of the glory of the children of God. For we know that the whole creation groans and suffers the pains of childbirth together until now.”
The disappointment caused by circumstances should cause us to cry out along with creation as Paul goes on to say in verse 23, “and not only this, but also we ourselves, having the first fruits of the Spirit, even we ourselves groan within ourselves, waiting eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our body.” The frustration we feel because of the results of sin in ourselves, in others or its effect on creation all cause us to long even more for the day it will all be restored to God’s original design.
GOD?
The greatest danger of disappointment is to mix it with bits and pieces of theology and come up with a wrong conclusion that brings disappointment with God.
We believe in a sovereign God because Scripture declares Him to be so. He is omnipotent (all powerful) and omniscience (all knowing). God can do anything He wants anytime He wants any way He wants as long as it is in keeping with His character and nature because He does not change and does not lie. Because of this some have concluded that God is to blame for whatever disappoints them. They reason that if God is all powerful, all knowing and sovereign, then He could & should prevent natural disasters, people from hurting me, and even keep me from sinning. If God was all He says He is then He should keep me from being disappointed – especially if I have prayed about the matter.
Lets be clear about it. If you are disappointed with God and want to blame Him for something, the problem is you, not Him. You want God to operate according to your scheme of things, according to what you think is fair, according to what you want and your expectations of Him are wrong. We often do all of that through prayer – “God, give me this; God, do that; God, do my will not thine.”
God is sovereign, He is all powerful, He is all knowing, and He is also good & loving. He proved all of that on the cross. Therefore, whenever something comes into my life that disappoints me regardless of anything else I know that I can trust God in it and that He will use it to make me into what I need to be – if I will let Him.
This is not fatalism nor is it the idea of kay sera sera – whatever will be will be. This is the life of faith, a walk of trust in the Lord that He knows best. I do not blame Him for the effects of sin in the world. He did not cause it, we did. He has done what is needed to conquer it so that I can be forgiven and have a relationship with Him. I do not blame Him when things do not go the way I would have liked. I believe with everything that is in me that He is wiser than I and His choices are better than mine and that His plan is preferable to my own. With that in mind I can then use the disappointment that comes into my life as a motivation for greater maturity.
If I am disappointed in myself I carefully consider if my expectations are proper and unselfish. If not, I know I need to change them. I consider whether my goal is realistic. And when it is caused by my own failure and sinfulness I am driven deeper into my relationship with God as I seek His forgiveness and patience as well as His sustaining grace to strive onward and continue to serve Him.
If my disappointment is caused by someone else I consider whether my expectations are correct and that even if they are I must reflect God’s character in offering forgiveness and humbly seeking to help them mature too.
If my disappointment is caused by circumstances or the result of sin in man and in the world, then my longing for heaven greatly increases. How I long for the day that not only for myself, but for all those I love, the problems and pain of this cursed world will be ended and God will set up the new heaven and earth where things will function as He originally intended.
Am I disappointed? Yes, but I am growing from it and I am supremely grateful to my sovereign God who knows what is best for me and my family. I do not know why He had things work out as they have. I do not know what He has planned for the future. I do know that Proverbs 16:9 is true – as I plan my way, the Lord directs my steps. I would not have it any other way.