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Pastor Scott L. Harris
Grace Bible Church, NY
March 27, 2011
The Role of Children
Over the past couple of sermons we have examined the roles that God has given to the wife and to the husband. As I have pointed out in each of those sermons,the ability of the husband and wife to fulfill their roles will be dependent upon their walk with the Lord. What Paul commands in Colossians 3:18-19 is dependent on what he has said in the previous seventeen verses. If we live as those who have been raised up with Christ, which includes putting off the practices and attitudes we had prior to salvation and putting on the new practices and attitudes that are in keeping with walking with Christ, we can fulfill our roles in marriage and so bring glory to God. (See Sermons on Colossians).
Let me read through Colossians 3:18-4:1 once again to set the context for this morning’s study. 18 Wives, be subject to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. 19 Husbands, love your wives, and do not be embittered against them. 20 Children, be obedient to your parents in all things, for this is well-pleasing to the Lord. 21 Fathers, do not exasperate your children, that they may not lose heart. 22 Slaves, in all things obey those who are your masters on earth, not with external service, as those who [merely] please men,but with sincerity of heart, fearing the Lord. 23 Whatever you do, do your work heartily, as for the Lord rather than for men; 24 knowing that from the Lord you will receive the reward of the inheritance. It is the Lord Christ whom you serve. 25 For he who does wrong will receive the consequences of the wrong which he has done, and that without partiality. 4:1 Masters, grant to your slaves justice and fairness, knowing that you too have a Master in heaven.
The wife has the supporting role. This is by no means an inferior position for she has equal value before God. It is only a recognition that God has given her different gifts, abilities and responsibilities. A woman needs to be careful about whom she marries for she will need to willingly submit to her husband’s leadership while demonstrating chaste and respectful behavior to him even when he does not lead as he should (1 Peter 3:1-6). Submission is an act of her will and not something coerced or forced. Her submission demonstrates her love and trust of God through her service to her husband. Her submission is first to God and then because of that she secondarily submits to her husband. (See: The Role of the Wife).
God has placed the husband as the head of the family which means he has the responsibility of leadership. He is commanded to love His wife in the sacrificial manner that Christ loves the church and cherish her the same way he cherishes his own body. This love includes being her provider and protector. The husband is also commanded to lead his family into sanctification that they may be holy and blameless. God will hold him accountable for how well he fulfills his role and responsibilities. He is also responsible to make her his life’s study as he seeks to know and understand her while giving her honor as a joint heir of the grace of life (1 Peter 3:7). This is true even though she is extremely different from him in her emotions and the way she thinks, but that is part of the challenge, so be a man and rise up to the challenge (See: The Role of the Husband) .
This morning we come to the role of the children. It is easier for children to fulfill their role if they know the Lord and are walking with Him by the Holy Spirit, but Paul does not place that expectation upon them since even the children born to Christian parents come into the world as unsaved sinners. Until the child comes to personal faith in the person and work of the Lord Jesus, they cannot live as one who has been raised up with Christ, for that has not yet happened.
The role given to the children is actually very simple. Paul says here, Children, be obedient to your parents in all things, for this is well-pleasing to the Lord. In Ephesians 6:1-3 he adds to a similar statement the Old Testament command and promise that goes with it. 6:1 Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 2 Honor your father and mother (which is the first commandment with a promise), 3 that it may be well with you, and that you may live long on the earth.
Children are to obey their parents, yet, in view of actual practices within our society, and those practices exist within the church as well, we must conclude that this scriptural directive has been either forgotten or confused by most parents. There are two extremes within our society, and we do not want to fall into either one. We want to everyone in the family to follow the Lord’s commands and fulfill the role God has given to each – wife, husband, children and parents.
The first extreme I want to mention is the one now most prevalent in our society. I call this open fields because while there may be boundaries somewhere, they are so distant they are hard to see. This is the result of a basic change within our society in its understanding of children.
When Americans were a Biblically literate people, it was commonly understood that people did evil things because everyone is sinful by nature. Evil actions are the result of a sinful heart. Evil was held in check by holding each individual responsible for what they did and then dispensing the appropriate punishment for the sin committed. It was understood that children were born as sinners and discipline would be needed to hold that sin in check. The only real cure for the sin problem is the gospel of Jesus Christ because through faith in Jesus and His atonement, sin could be forgiven and the Holy Spirit’s work of regeneration could change the heart.
As America has slid from its moorings in a Biblical world view, the philosophy behind secular psychology has made a fundamental change in how people understanding themselves. Society now views people – and especially children – as naturally good instead of sinful. This is accomplished by a couple of methods. The first is to redefine what is good and what is evil. This allows people to do whatever they want and not feel guilty about it. The second is to blame something else when evil does occur. Responsibility is always shifted to something else. It could be environmental factors, societal failure or psychological trauma caused by someone else. People, and again, especially children, are no longer seen by a large portion of society as being responsible for their own actions.
Consider some of the following erroneous excuses prevalent in society. Crime is caused by poverty – a surprise to the generation that suffered through the Great Depression. Alcoholism is a disease – if so, it is the only one that must be continually self induced to keep it going. Aggression is caused by spanking and is a reason that some people become serial killers – yet it is the children without discipline that are the most aggressive and studies of violent criminals keep showing a stronger link with a childhood that was without discipline rather than one having too much. Freud said that improper potty training leads to “possessiveness, retentiveness, aggressiveness, pronounced messiness or tidiness, punctuality and shame . . .”, or as another simply described it,“bad potty training results in emotional constipation.” Sounds more like just another way to blame it on your mother and refuse to grow up and take responsibility for yourself.
The basic philosophical premise in society now concerning children is that kids are innately good and will grow up to be good adults as long as the parents don’t mess them up. The so called experts warn us that we must provide children with the right environment, give them freedom to explore, and do not inhibit their efforts to express themselves. We are told that if the parent does not satisfy every whim of the child, the child will turn out psychologically damaged. This is the philosophy behind Dr. Benjamin Spock’s famous quote, “You can’t spoil a baby. His wants are his needs,” which has resulted in the baby becoming the center of the family, for everything focuses on meeting the baby’s desires. That mindset and practice then continues into childhood. The truth is that you can spoil a baby and children, and children arrive messed up and it is the parents responsibility to rear them to be good.
What is the result of this liberal philosophy? Children who are out of control in private and in public. I think most of us have seen parents chasing children up and down store aisles because the kid refuses to stay with the parent. We have all seen children who defiantly refuse to do what their parents tell them. I have also seen children who call their parents names and tell them to shut up. The word that described such children when I was growing up was “brat.” I have been in homes where the walls were heavily marked with crayon as high as the child could reach. When Diane and I were first married we had another young couple over that gave no correction to their child that was running and jumping on our new furniture. Since that incident I have lived by a basic rule. If a child misbehaves in my home and the parent does not correct him, then I will. That is true here at the church too, and I would expect every other responsible adult to do the same.
If this mindset continues the problems increase as the child gets older resulting in teens that remain immature and self centered. Cheating, stealing,lying, and hurting other people does not bother them as long as they get or do what they want. You see them and know that they are on the path to jail or worse. In the worst cases they become sociopaths with no concern at all for others. The Proverbs prove true: 30:11, There is a kind of man who curses his father, and does not bless his mother.” 20:20 adds, “he who curses his father or his mother, His lamp will go out in time of darkness.” 19:26, “He who assaults his father and drives his mother away Is a shameful and disgraceful son.” 29:15 “The rod and reproof give wisdom, But a child who gets his own way brings shame to his mother.” 30:17, “The eye that mocks a father, And scorns a mother, The ravens of the valley will pick it out, And the young eagles will eat it.”
The other extreme is not as common anymore, but it can still be found. The child is not in an open field, but is confined to a restricted stall. In this view children are not the center of the family, but somewhere on the outer edges. The dad views himself not as the head, but the king. The mom may or may not be the reigning queen, but in either case the child is more of an object than a person. Loving care and nurture take a back seat to keeping family law. Punishment is swift, but does not always match the crime. Scripture might even be quoted a lot in such a home, but that does not mean it is quoted completely,in context or applied correctly. Other scriptures dealing with the parents’responsibilities are usually left out.
In this type of home the child exists for the benefit of the parent, so when the child intrudes on the parents’ life through childishness or misbehavior,there are severe consequences. The child’s main motivation is fear. Fear of the parents, fear of God, fear of all authority figures. Children of such homes develop what is called a prohibitive conscience. Life is viewed in terms of what is restricted. Thou shalt not do this, Thou shalt not do that. Guilt and the fear of potential guilt controls them. The freedom and motivation to do good is stilted or crushed by fear of violating some rule.
The child’s outward behavior is everything, and while they may exhibit exemplary discipline and manners, the heart of the child may be very far away or completely lost. These children learn a very distorted view of God which is why the scriptures warn parents to “not exasperate [them] that they may not lose heart” (Colossians 3:21) and to “not to provoke their children to anger” (Ephesians 6:4).
Some who grow up in such a home end up rejecting what they had been taught. This is a common reason “good kids” go “wild” in college. The restrictions have been removed and they go to the opposite extreme. Others live lives controlled by fear and guilt. They do what they believe is expected of them, but there is no joy in doing it. If this was a Christian home, they become legalists. Spirituality is defined in a list do’s and don’ts and mostly don’ts. They do not understand grace, forgiveness or freedom in Christ. Serving Christ to them is more of a responsibility and duty than a privilege and opportunity.
How then do we keep it balanced? We must understand the purpose and role of children in the family. Let me start with several purposes.
1) Continuation of mankind. In Genesis 1:28 God told Adam and Eve to “be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth . . .”. Mankind is always just one generation away from extinction.
2) Continuation of the knowledge of God. Deuteronomy 6:4-7, Psalm 78:5,Ephesians 6:4. Israel was to pass their knowledge of God from one generation unto the next – Deuteronomy 6:4, “Hear, O Israel! The Lord is our God, the Lord is one! 5 And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. 6 And these words, which I am commanding you today, shall be on your heart; 7 and you shall teach them diligently to your sons and shall talk of them when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way and when you lie down and when you rise up.”
Psalm 78:5, “For He established a testimony in Jacob, And appointed a law in Israel, Which He commanded our fathers, That they should teach them to their children, 6 That the generation to come might know, [even] the children [yet] to be born, [That] they may arise and tell [them] to their children, 7 That they should put their confidence in God, And not forget the works of God, But keep His commandment.”,
Ephesians 6:4 – “. . . bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.”
Certainly people can come to know the Lord regardless of the beliefs of their parents just as have many of you. That is what the Great Commission is all about. We are to proclaim the gospel message to everyone and the Lord in His graciousness saves people. But I hope you parents realize that your first priority in evangelism and discipleship is to be your own children.
One of the great tragedies I have seen are pastors who think that if they take care of the church that Christ will take care of their family. The children turn away from Christ because dad has not been around long enough to model Christ to them. Such men are actually unqualified to be Pastors according to 1 Timothy 3 & Titus 1. Jesus said He would build His church. While He uses people to accomplish that goal, the priority He has placed upon all of us including Pastors is raising our children in His nurture and admonition. We will talk more about that next week, but understand at this point that one of the reasons that God has given you children is so that you can pass on your knowledge and understanding of God to them to build upon.
3) A third purpose of children is to be a blessing. Psalm 127:3-5, “Behold, children are a gift of the Lord; The fruit of the womb is a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior, So are the children of one’s youth. How blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them; They shall not be ashamed, When they speak with their enemies in the gate.”
Children are a blessing from God. They bring so much into our lives. Certainly there are the heartaches and tough parts of raising kids, but they also bring such joy. Their love for life, wonder at the world around them, and happiness over simple pleasures. But more importantly from the eternal perspective, they teach us a lot about trusting the Lord and walking with Him. They prod us to think less of ourselves and learn to love sacrificially. They reflect us and we see both the good and bad in ourselves which prods us on to greater holiness. Their very presence causes us to be more careful how we act,what we say and even how we think. Children are a great blessing from God to us.
The Role of Children
What then is the role of children within the family? To put it simply, they are there to learn. The parents’ responsibility is to teach them and theirs is to learn. Children are not the center of the family and neither are they somewhere on the outskirts. They are part of the family. You and your spouse became a family when you married. A family of just two people, but a family. When your first child came along your family simply expanded to three and with each child your family circle simply got larger. Each new life added to your family is another precious soul for you to guide and direct into holiness.
Gentlemen, remember, Paul has already commanded you to lead your wife in sanctification so that she might be holy and blameless. The same is true for your children. Their role is to learn from both of you who God is, what He is like and how to have a personal relationship with Him. Your role is to teach and their role is to learn and learning begins with obedience. Obedience is the schoolmaster needed to help shape the child’s behavior, character and belief system. Proper obedience leads to the freedom of living positively out of a love for righteousness instead of fear of doing wrong.
Children, listen up. Your first and foremost responsibility in the family then is to obey your parents. God’s commandment to all children is “obey your father and mother, ” and our text adds that this is to be “in all things,for this is well-pleasing to the Lord.” Ephesians 6:1 says, “for ths is right.” Children, it is right and it is pleasing to the Lord for you to obey your parents in all things.
The word “obey” here literally means, “to hear under,” and so includes the idea of hearing and responding positively. Attitude as well as action is important in obedience. If you grumble or whine about what you asked to do, you are not obeying even if you do what you were told. As the Proverbs 6:20 states it; “My son, observe the commandment of your father, And do not forsake the teaching of your mother.” This is not some conspiracy against you so that your life will be miserable, but rather this is God’s commandment so that there will be order in the home and your life will be filled with blessings. Learning obedience to your parents is the first step toward learning obedience to the Lord and toward gaining self-control and being considerate of the interests of others.
Self-control and considering the interests of other people are both vital to your getting along with others and becoming successful as adults. Self-control is the foundational skill for all learning. This is both mental and physical. Without mental self-control you will not be able to focus your attention to read, study, or analyze and solve problems. Every subject you will ever study takes concentration – math, history, language, art, science and understanding your Bible. The better your mental self-control, the better you will do in all your studies regardless of your IQ. Without physical self-control you will never gain the skills needed to perform any kind of job. It takes a lot of practice to learn to control your fingers so that you can color between the lines or nimbly use a keyboard to operate a computer. If you cannot control your hands you cannot drive a nail and you would be dangerous with a power saw. Even the ability to speak requires precise control of your vocal cords, tongue and lips. Clear communication requires the addition of a controlled mind otherwise what you say will not make sense.
Obedience is also the foundation to being considerate of other people. Obedience combats selfishness because it requires placing your will under the authority of someone else. It demands you to place yourself in a secondary position. If you continue in selfishness and do not consider other people you will have relationship problems all your life. Let me show you the importance of this by a simple question. Does anyone here like being around someone who is self-centered and gives no consideration to your thoughts or feelings? What is your response when you run into someone whose only interest is in what you have and getting it for themselves. For a child that may be a toy – other children that come over to play only because they want to play with your toys. In the business world it is the fake friendliness of the salesman who is only after your money.
Obedience to your parents is also the place where you start to learn obedience to God Himself. It is from your parents that you learn your first lessons in consequences. Children, when you disobey your parents you have also broken God’s commandment to you and that is sin. Parents, when you let your child get away with disobedience to you, then you are training that child to sin. That means you are also in sin. Disobedience brings punishment while obedience brings blessings. A child that will not learn to obey simple instructions from a parent who is physically present will not later obey more complex commands from a God they cannot physically see and touch. It is better to learn this lesson when the consequences are at worst a spanking or removal of privileges rather than the wrath of a holy and just God. The eternal consequence of disobedience is separation from God and eternity in Hell.
Now the vast majority of all parents love their children and want what is best for them. Parents are also wiser. That is why you need to obey them. God uses them not only to protect and provide for you, but also to guide you in how to live life. However, the statement here to obey them in “all things” is not without qualification.
As with all authority there is a hierarchy that starts with God and then descends from there. For children, as with all people, God is to be obeyed first and above anyone else. After God, children are to obey their parents next, and then any other sources of authority as is fitting to the particular situation – government officials, teachers, coaches, etc. Children, you cannot violate any of God’s commandments in trying to obey your parents or others. You cannot lie for them. You cannot steal for them. You cannot assist them in committing sin. You respectfully decline to obey in those circumstances and willingly suffer any punishment they give you, and in doing so you are like the apostles and prophets who also suffered for righteousness sake (Matthew 5:10-12).
The tragedy is that parents do ask children to lie and steal for them sometimes without really even thinking about what they are doing. Rare are the cases of parents purposely sending their child into a store to steal something,but how often do parents tell children to lie about their age so that they can get a discount? That is stealing. How often do parents tell children to lie when they answer the phone and tell the caller they are not at home? Don’t ask your children to do that, and children don’t do it. Say they do not want to be disturbed at the moment and ask them to call back. Children you are to obey your parents, but you obey them in the Lord. You have to obey God first, and then your parents. This is what God declares is right and just before Him.
I want to conclude this morning by talking for a few moments about honoring your parents. The command to obey your parents arises out of the commandment in Exodus 20:12. Paul expresses that in Ephesians 6:3-4 and adds that honoring your father and mother brings the promise that it may be well with you and that you may live long on the earth. There are blessings in obeying the Lord.
This particular promise is both general and specific. It is general in the sense that a person who has learned obedience has also learned the skills needed to have a good life. For example, self-control and consideration of others are the keys to good relationships with others and decent jobs. In general, the natural consequence of honoring your parents and the skills learned from doing so lead to a good life, and a good life is also generally a long life. Sin characteristically shortens life while virtue extends it. Similar promises are also made to those who are just in their business dealings (Deuteronomy 25:15),who are wise (Proverbs 3:16) and who generally keeps God’s commandments (Deuteronomy 4:40; 32:47).
This promise is also specific in that it is a direct promise of God to extend a blessing to those who honor their father and mother. This does not mean that God cannot have a different plan for specific individuals even if they do honor their father and mother, for example believers who are persecuted for their faith in Christ, but this is the general case of the specific promise. Obedience to God in honoring your parents brings His blessings.
What then does it mean to honor your parents? Primarily it means “to place value upon” them. It is demonstrated in respect and consideration. This is something that all of us are to do regardless of age. Young children honor their parents through their obedience to them. Older children honor through submission which is willingly following the instruction and advice of their parents.
When you become an adult and live independently of your parents you are no longer under their authority. The obedience and submission are no longer required because the authority structure has changed. Men, you are to leave your father and mother and cleave to your wife (Ephesians 5:31). Ladies, your husband is now your head and not your father (Ephesians 5:23). But even so, as adults we are still to give honor to our parents. This is done by showing them respect. If the parents have done their job properly and the children are walking with the Lord, this arises out of the love of devotion. It will be joyful to show respect and appreciation, ask advice, and care for them as needed.
But some parents have been bad. Their children suffered at their hands. The past is full of pain, trust has been broken and the current relationship is strained at best. But regardless of the past, you are still responsible before God to honor them. At minimum this means not speaking evil of them, slandering them, letting them go hungry or ignoring them in time of need, for at worst they are still your neighbor which we have been commanded to love as ourselves (Mark 12:31). What will be missing will be the joy. Honoring them will a difficult duty instead of a joyful devotion. Even so, you can still honor them out of your love for Jesus Christ and desire to be obedient to Him.
Parents, will your children honor you out of love or duty?
Children, obey your parents now and learn that lessons that will bestow on you God’s blessings throughout your life.
Parents, you are responsible to apply God’s Word to your children’s lives. Here is some help.
Young Children – draw a picture about something you hear during the sermon. Explain your picture(s) to your parents at lunch. Older Children – Do one or more of the following: 1) Write down all the verses mentioned in the sermon and look them up later. 2) Count how many times “child” or “children” are used. Discuss with your parents the role of children in the family and how you can improve.
THINK ABOUT IT!
Questions to consider in discussing the sermon with others. What is God’s role of the wife / husband and how can each fulfill their roles? What is God’s role for children? What is the only true cure for the fact that all people are born in sin? How has society tried to justify the claim that people are innately good? How do they then explain the evil actions of people? What are the consequences of allowing a child too much freedom – few or no boundaries? What is wrong with having too many restrictions? What are some of the consequences of this? What are some of the signs of a home that is too strict? What are some of God’s purposes for children? What are some of the blessings children bring into a home? What is the primary responsibility of a child and what is the relationship of obedience to fulfilling that responsibility? What is the relationship between learning obedience and having freedom as an adult? Why is self-control so important to learning and becoming successful? Children that disobey parents also disobey God – what are the consequences to this? What is the only condition when children should NOT obey their parents? How do young children honor their parents? Older children? Adults? Bad parents are honored out of duty – what does that entail? How is it done? Will your children honor you out of devotion or duty?
Sermon Notes – 3/20/2011
The Role of the Children – Colossians 3:20
A Christian marriage is dependent on each spouse living as those who have been raised up with _______
The wife is ___inferior, just different gifts & responsibilities – she is to submit to and respect her husband
The husband is the head – he has the responsibility to ____, love, cherish,protect and provide for his wife
It is ____________ for believing children to fulfill their role because of the Holy Spirit.
All children are to “be _____________to your parents in all things, for this is well-pleasing to the Lord”
This duty has been either forgotten or confused by most ____________ – including Christians
If there are _____________________ on the child somewhere, they are so distant they are hard to see.
Evil actions are the result of ___________ heart – and children are born as sinners.
Faith in Jesus is the only real cure for sin – He regenerates and changes the ____________
Society views people – especially children – as innately ____________, not sinful
Evil actions are either ______________ or blamed on something, someone else
Consider the lame _________made now for crime (poverty); alcoholism (disease); aggression (spanking)
Freud’s potty training emphasis – just another way to blame your ______________ and refuse to grow up
The philosophical premise is that children will turn out well if the ____________ don’t mess them up
The result? Child centered families and children who are ____________________ in public and private
Older children remain _____________, self-centered – in the worst cases they become sociopaths
Proverbs 30:11; 20:20; 19:26; 29:15; 30:17
The child is confined to a restricted stall – there are few or no _______________
Keeping the family law replaces ______________ care and nurture. Punishment is swift
The child’s main motivation is ___________. A prohibitive conscience develops and controls
Outward behavior can be exemplary – but the ______________ can be far away
A breeding ground for colligates that go “__________” and for religious legalists.
The Balance – The Purpose
1) Continuation of ____________- Genesis 1:28
3) To be a ____________- Psalm 127:3-5
Children bring ____& heartache as we learn to love sacrificially, trust the Lord, and act more carefully
The Role of Children
They are to ____________ and grow as part of the family
Obedience is the ____________that shapes behavior, character, and belief which leads to future freedom
A child’s first responsibility is to _________ his parents with a good attitude
Obedience to parents is the first step in learning obedience to ____, self control & consideration of others
_______________ is the foundational skill for all learning
Obedience combats selfishness and so lays the foundation for being ___________________ of others
When children disobey their parents, they also disobey __________
God is always to be obeyed __________ and foremost, but after Him, children are to obey their parents
A general promise in that honoring your parents develops the skills that make you _____________in life
A specific promise – obedience to God in honoring your parents brings His _______________.
To honor is to give ___________. Young children do this by obedience. Older children by submission
Good parents are honored out of ____________ devotion in speech,appreciation, friendship and care
Bad parents are honored out of _____________with carefully restricted speech and care as required
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